Encounters with a Youth or Please Don't Try This at Home.

Encounters with a Youth

- or -

Please Don't Try This at Home

By MoJo Rysen

Yes, I am breaking away from my usual (and easy) book and CD reviews. I was asked to because I have a story to tell. I do not know where to begin. In my brain it is so ridiculous that I don't think I can do it. I will try for the benefit of you, dear Lowbrow readers.

The guys of Lowbrow take many opportunities to celebrate, oh, anything. This past holiday season was no exception. Not only was there the Christmas eve-get-away-from-the-family-gatherings-or-I-will-kill-myself party, the Boxing Day I-can't-believe-I'm-still-doing-this party, but there was the Let's-prepare-for-utter-drunkenness-this-holy-season party. This story takes place at the latter. I was looking forward to that night, as there were friends coming that I hadn't seen in a very long time. Mr. Crackers and Keiko live on the coast and rarely get an opportunity to come home.

I arrive at the party in good spirits. I am unable, for health reasons, to participate in the debauchery of which the guys partake, but really, I don't mind. Watching them make fools of themselves is entertainment enough, generally. I do not feel the need to join them and the young wannabe Lowbrow whippersnappers that seem to have latched onto the guys like groupies. So anyway, I mix, I mingle, awaiting the arrival of Mr. Crackers and Keiko.

"Since you walked in here tonight I've wanted to tell you that you have great nipples."

They finally arrive in from the cold harshness that is our city. Keiko and I immediately claim spots on the couch near the fireplace and begin catching up.

Now, I do not think I am old. Yet at this gathering, and recently many others, I (and the guys, by the way) have at least 7 years on most of the guests. What that says about the Lowbrow guys, I don't want to speculate at this time. At this gathering Keiko and I politely condescend and let these babies pretend they're grownups. We have more important things to discuss than shoes, the last time we got pissed, our hair, the last time we puked and other stimulating subjects.

So we are sitting there, enjoying our conversation when Billy, one of the young guests, invades us. He pulls up the ottoman to the couch we are sitting on, not taking his eyes off Keiko. We stare at him, incredulous that he has dared to interrupt.

"Hi, I'm Billy," reaching out his hand to Keiko.

"Keiko," she returns.

"You know, I have to say… Since you walked in here tonight I've wanted to tell you that you have great nipples."

Keiko and I look at each other.

"You see, it's so cold out there that when you walked in I couldn't help but notice your nipples. They are fantastic."

Keiko and I look at each other again.

"Thank you?" she replies.

I think you can see where this is all going. Keiko and I are amused. Who else but a 22 year old would think that this is acceptable? We let him continue. We can't help it. We have never experienced such balls like this before - even when we were 22.

I will not give you the intimate details of everything that was said, because this would become a novel. However, let me just tell you that once Keiko "let slip" that she'd been married to Mr. Crackers for about 3 years, Billy began to ask her intimate questions about her married sex life.

"Do you still have quickies?".

"Do you still fuck like rabbits? If you ever did, that is."

"Do you guys do a lot of foreplay?"

"Aren't you worried about getting bored? I would."

Again, I'm sure you get the picture. This was just the beginning. We made the unfortunate mistake of humouring him and he ended up cornering the two of us for about an hour, continuing to ask questions and giving us his opinion on the various aspects of married sex. He's never been married.