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Adventures
in Science: The Cycle of Influenza
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Page 2 -
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Day
4 - Inertia
Hypothesis:
I will go insane given large periods of inactivity.
Notes:
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Call
in sick and spend my Friday lying on the couch reading and being
offended by daytime TV. Determine to fight my natural urges
and just lie still, resting, to speed the recovery process.
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Summoned
away from rest by the need to visit a lawyer's office and sign
patent papers for work. Horrified co-signing coworkers battle
to obtain maximum distance from me. Lawyers prefer that I use
my own pen. Lepers must feel like this.
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The
world hums around me, content in frantic activity, while I lie
inert and incapacitated. I begin to hate them.
Conclusions:
Hypothesis on the way to being confirmed. Mental faculties under
considerable strain. Temper is short. Developing a twitch.
Days
5 & 6 - Lost Weekend, but no sign of David Lee Roth
Hypothesis:
The universe sucks.
Notes:
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Entire
weekend spent lying on the couch, reading and sleeping, while
my friends pillage the countryside. Several people remark on
my sickly nature, prompting me to attempt homicide. Am thwarted
by flu-weakened muscles. I hate everyone, but that's not entirely
new.
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I
read, I sleep, I watch pay-per-view movies. I come to realize
that two percent of Saturday Night Live spin-off movies are
pure comic genius, and ninety eight percent are pure crap. I
also come to realize that two percent does not equal one full
movie.
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Nothing
gets you through an ordeal like pure, high-octane hate. Ask
any Antarctic explorer. Only my desire to avenge myself on my
well-wishing associates and adventure-seeking friends propels
me onwards through the dark hours of the virus. Patience, Shaggy,
patience. Then, horrible vengeance. Or something.
Conclusions:
Hypothesis confirmed.
Day
6 - I Can't Believe I'm Still Sick
Hypothesis:
This has to be over.
Notes:
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Back
at work but still, somehow, not well. I suspect sabotage.
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Great
fiery Hades! Two Dayquil caplets and I'm high like Skylab! Warm
electricity hums in my muscle fibres. I am awash in quiet optimism.
My coworkers acquire a previously unnoticed shininess. o Secondary
Hypothesis: I am God.
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Seven
PM. Magical effects of daytime flu medication wear off and I
suddenly find myself sick again. Plans for an evening workout
are, infuriatingly, scrapped. Planned love letter to manufacturers
of Dayquil is also removed from agenda.
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Receive
numerous accounts of friends' exciting weekend escapades. Feign
interest and good humour. Suddenly understand what it might
be like to wear a straightjacket all day.
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The
greatest power of biological weapons may lie not in their ability
to ravage the body with sickness, but in their ability to shatter
the spirit with weakness.
Conclusions:
Hypothesis' disproved. Revert to fallback strategy A: hate.
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