Inspiration, Genius and Cold Cuts

Subway Sandwich Artist Elton J. Stadenko

Hi, my name is Elton Stadenko, I used to be manager at the McDonald's restaurant down by Earl's Discount Motors on the corner of 3rd and Pine...that's right, used to be. That job is just a memory now. It started to unravel about 3 months ago when upper management started giving me a hard time about my attitude. It seems there were some complaints and some people got sick but I didn't have anything to do with it, I swear. Well, before any lawsuits were filed that particular McDonald's restaurant burned to the ground in a huge inferno that even damaged some of the cars over in Earl's Discount Motors' lot. John Law tried to blame me but I had nothing to do with it and that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Luckily I was hired at the Subway on South Access Road 5. Subway is way better than McDonald's! The great thing about Subway is that they don't give you a shitty title like "fry cook" or "burger guy". No, see at Subway I'm a sandwich artist... Is that classy or what? When I was getting my degree at McDonald's famous Hamburger University they made us take a few drawing and art history classes to round-out the curriculum, so I know a few things about being an artist... Oh, and I also took art in high school so if you're one of those snobby art-fags that thinks you have to go to art college to be an artist, fuck-you! When I first started I was making all the sandwiches by the book. See, they make you watch this training video three or four times until you know how to make a proper sub and work the bread oven. Then you have to work with a senior sandwich artist to get the hang of working in the shop. I have plenty of restaurant experience so I got a hang of things pretty fast. Sure enough, after two weeks I was promoted to assistant manager! After awhile I started to loosen up and let my creativity run free, after all, I was now officially a sandwich artist. For example, while making a footlong Subway Club on wheat I would throw the meat and cheese inside randomly and put alternating stripes of mustard and mayo on the outside, thus juxtaposing the uniformity of the condiments against the randomness of the meat and cheese. This wasn't just sandwich-making , it was art that made you think!

Once while making a Veggie Delite I made it all sloppy and used toothpicks to cover the outside of the sub with a few pickles, red peppers, olives etc. and called it a "primitive folk veggie" since it reminded me of a sandwich made by some uneducated country moron .The part that I found interesting was that I was educated, so me making an uneducated-styled sandwich seemed awfully clever. The customer almost choked on one of the toothpicks but I didn't let that phase me.

Elton J. Stadenko's art studio.

I made a sub where I put all the inner fixings on the outside of the sub. and when the guy asked me to make it a ValueMeal with Nacho chips I ripped the bag open and sprinkled the chips all over his sub, creating a veritable melange of colours and textures. the guy who ordered it wasn't too happy and refused to pay for it, he said it was just a pile of crap. What the fuck? This guy is getting a work of art for cheap and he doesn't even appreciate it. I'll bet sandwich collectors in New York City would pay big money for a sandwich like this. Like most people, he doesn't understand my work.

Some days I am crippled with self doubt about my own sandwich making skills. I will sit through an entire busy lunch hour shift contemplating my career or dreaming up whimsical sandwich creations while the other workers cover for me. I wonder where my sandwich-making career will take me. I wonder why so many people don't want to own an original Stadenko? It's just so damned hard being Stadenko!

With every sandwich I make, my heart and soul are stripped bare for all the world to see. You want to know what makes Stadenko tick?... Study my sandwiches, assholes. Most people just don't appreciate my sandwich artistry. That's okay though, since most of those poor bastards don't understand my work. They don't understand my background, my surroundings or what goes on in my head. They don't understand Stadenko. I'm not just a sandwich artist, I'm a fucking sandwich genius!

I don't just make sandwiches at the restaurant either. At night I go home to my one room apartment and create sandwiches at a feverish pace. I try to get the creative juices flowing anyway possible...drugs, alcohol, loud music, whatever...I am creating alot of valuable art there, some of it is a little too intense for the general public just yet... I'm thinking about getting my refrigerator insured in case anything happens to any of those original Stadenkos I have stored inside it..

My creative bubble burst one afternoon when in a tornado of creativity I nailed a bun to the wall of the restaurant and shot streams of mustard and mayo at it and than flung slices of turkey and ham from five feet away. It was performance art at it's finest. Well some of the meat got on the floor and than I tried to serve it to the customer and she freaked out and called the Department of Health. They gave our store a citation for poor food handling or whatever...and later that week... I cut a finished sub into smaller squares and called it my cubist cold-cut trio. When I served it up to the customer she was all like "What the hell is this?" So, seeing that this woman was a moron and didn't respect my artistic integrity I went ape-shit and tried to make her eat it, Ike Turner-style. Needless to say the authorities didn't like my aggressive approach to sandwich artistry and now I'm awaiting trial on aggravated assault charges.

So next time you pull up to my Subway and order a sandwich (if I'm not in prison yet) you might just be lucky enough to get a Stadenko original, but like most people, you won't recognize true genius when you see it and will stuff it down your fat fuckin' face ...you poor poor stupid selfish bastards, I feel sorry for you.