Hi, my name is Elvis Presley. you might remember me from such movies as "King Creole" and "G.I. Blues". You might also remember me as the number one musical recording act of all time. So the other day, Sonny and Red say they want to go see a movie. I don't like leaving Graceland much anymore so I said "No,and if Elvis don't go, nobody else does either." Than Red says that it's a really good movie called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". I love those Disney movies with all those talking and singin' animals in 'em...so, imagining we are going to a movie with talking tigers and magical dragons I say, "What the hell, let's go."
To get ready for the movie I take me a handful of my favorite, and might I add, perfectly legal, over the counter sedatives. You see, ol' Elvis gotta be relaxed for our little night out. Being the "King of Rock 'n' Roll" ain't easy you know, I gots me a whole lotta problems lately, (drug dependency not being one of them) and I don't need those pressures bearing down on me every minute of the day. I also pack a pistol inside my pants in case things get out of hand. This particular gun must have been bigger than my usual cuz the waistband on my leather pants were stretched to the max, rhinestones kept poppin' off and hittin' the floor all nite long. So the movie starts and low and behold it ain't even a fuckin' Disney movie but a goddamned Chinese one. So right away I'm lookin' at Sonny and Red and the rest of the boys as if to say, "You boys are in some serious shit, lemmetellyou" ...and get this... the actor's voices aren't even dubbed, instead they got little teeny tiny writin' on the bottom of the screen that you have to read! Hey assholes if I wanted to read I would have stayed home and looked at my Archie comics, you got that?
Seeing as we were already at the theatre and in our seats I figured we may as well stay and watch the feature film. The seats in this place were awful small and yours truly had a helluva time gettin' in. Luckily the sedatives had kicked in nicely and my body just kind of ooozed in. For a while it felt like I was in one of those bean-bag chairs but than Red started passin' me my usual assortments of movie snacks and I snapped out of it, nothin gets me more alert than food! Peanuts, popcorn, candy bars, ju-jubes, and about ten ice cream sandwiches. The boys all be lookin' at Elvis with those sad puppy dog eyes like they want me to give 'em a bite of my snacks...well to hell with them! I'm gonna make 'em pay for not takin' me to a real movie! So I'm tryin' to concentrate on the words while the actors in the movie talk in that crazy Chinese language. How the hell do they unnerstand each other? It's all ching-ling-bing-bong-kwing-kwong-ding and it's givin' me a goddamned headache the size of the pool at the Sands Hotel in Vegas. Then this crunchin' sound starts fillin' my ears and I'm lookin' around to see who the rude bastard is who's eating his popcorn like a starved pork-bellied pig when I realize that it's just ....me. Damn that popcorn with extra topping is good, I ended up eatin' four extra-large bags! So basically the movie is about these Chinese chicks who karate-chop the shit out of each other for two hours straight for no particular reason. The fight scenes are all crazy with the actors flip-flop-flyin' around like Peter Pan on Benzedrine (which is, umm, wrong...ahem...speed kills...okay kids?) Normally I dig karate movies. I even practiced karate until I found out that Priscilla was gettin' romantic with the instructor...can you believe that shit? But this movie bored me half to death. So about halfway through I drift off and start hallucinating that my wife Priscilla is actually on the screen making out with my old karate instructor, well this gets me totally revved-up and wild man and I pull the pistol out of my pants and start tryin' to blow that karate instructor's head clean off his shoulders. I get off about five or six shots before Sonny and Red wrastle the gun outta my hand and rush me outta there faster than lightning.
So now I am back at Graceland and silently reflecting on the nite's events. Now I'm a red-blooded American and I believe that we as Americans should support American cinema, not this commie-Chinese crapola excuse for an action movie. If Hollywood was on the ball they would have already re-made this movie with an American cast and crew, and gave it a cool name like "Swords of Blood- Part One" or something and found bankable American stars like Bruce Lee or that Van Damme fella. Throw in more full-frontal female nudity and some car chases and BAM!...there is a movie that I would love to see! Same goes for the teevee nowadays. Nothing but crap on that thing lately. Remember that Urkel kid? Whatever happened to him? Man, I used to love watchin' that show. See, every week this little black kid would get into all kinds of trouble and stuff. He was a little scientist and was always inventing things like robots and time machines and he had a great catch-phrase too like whutchyoutalkinbout or gitoutmahface or something like that... genius stuff. He was like a little version of that Sammy Davis Jr. I'm just gonna lay here in my room and use all my inner psychic abilities to force Hollywood to make "Urkel -The Movie"...now don't make me drive all the way down there and pistol-whip one of you big Hollywood producers just to prove my point. ..c'mon Hollywood, don't let ol' Elvis down again...c'mon...zzzzzzzz
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