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What the f*&k is Tim Allen doing these days? Why he's making sequels, just like every other shit-eating, talentless, dildo actor in Hollywood. I suppose he does need something to occupy his time with since getting out of the big house... This next anal instalment of Santa Crap really has the makings of an equally handicapped, sit on the crapper 'til it bleeds, kind of feeling to it. I gather that our reluctant Santa replacement has new challenges to face, new inanimate objects to fall over, and all new jokes, guaranteed not to make anyone over 4 feet and/or 13 I.Q. laugh. It turns out that Mr. Kringle is out to score some poontang this Christmas by bagging a phat hottie to whore into the role of Mrs. Clause. Finally, a storyline we can live with: Santa takes all the village bicycles for a ride before banging an appropriately well-endowed bimbo on the head, and dragging her unconscious body back to his cave to polish his fat-ass knob for all time.

I'm sure the kids will love this one, but if you see it I will personally pee in your hair while you sleep.

Thank God that J. K. Rowling finally put the British Empire back on the map. The World was falling short on its quota of bad teeth and pomp. In this sequel to the first Harry Potter movie, our hero, the ambiguously sexually-oriented flying Quiddich-playing wizard Harry Potter, finds himself in the middle of trouble. This sounds remarkably like the first movie, doesn't it? Well, it's hard to beat up on this movie too much, as it's a kids movie based on very well-written books for kids. I don't have much to say about this one, other than expect a repeat performance of Harry 1, only with a slightly different plot and a few new characters and effects.

The only thing keeping this ailing series alive is a consistent use of fantastic automobiles. I think even the average mindless movie-goer is getting a bit sick of this Bond shit. I know that I'm still waiting to beat the crap out of whoever comes up with these idiotic titles.

In this movie, I can only assume that Agent 007 (still played by Pierce Brosnan) shoots people, orders martinis with specific instructions not to stir, scores with a couple of doting bimbos, and ends up defeating some bad guys with some cool toys.

Dependable? I suppose. Consistent? Sometimes. Repetitive? Definitely. I give this series another 1 or 2 shots, maybe. I think the Viagra's efficacy is waning for poor Mr. Bond...

Shoot me in the face...

The first instalment of this gimmicky buddy psychiatrist-mobster flick made me want to jump onto a pair of scissors. This sequel, and its incomprehensibly retarded title, will cause my intestines to writhe and rupture should I see even a second of it. Robert deNiro is as funny as a burning animal shelter, and Billy Crystal is about as watchable as a German scheisse movie.

This movie has all the redeeming qualities of testicular cancer, not to mention it's a sequel. You should devote your life to not seeing this piece of shit. Ever.

With a long, legendary history of pathetic writing, unbelievably benign characters, asexuality, and long line-ups of motherloving nerds, this 58th instalment in the Star Trek series promises nothing new. Aliens that look remarkably like humans, spaceships full of do-gooding losers, goofy makeup, and a rehashed plot is what you can look forward to.

Invariably the android Data (played by a very gay Brent Spiner) will make a stiff attempt at humour, the chubby Riker will try to act tough (which is about as believable as Kelly Rippa winning a chess match against a tree frog), some extras in strangely coloured uniforms will get zapped, and the audience will be left feeling as though they just sat through a two-hour brain-humping escapade. You can achieve a similar effect by visiting your local Home Depot, purchasing a 12-inch concrete nail, and then slowly insert it into your left nostril until you reach the back of your skull.

Star Trek is the stupidest genre of obsolescence ever to parade its inanity across movie and TV screens around the world. Going to see this movie would be announcing the absence of 4 fifths of your frontal lobe.

Finally, a movie worth seeing. Admittedly, about as many friendless virgins will be stuffing their sweaty, overgrown bodies into the aisles in this one as they will be for Star Trek, but at least this one has promise. The friendless, overgrown, sweaty director himself, Peter Jackson, drives a mass of idiotic overpaid actors in this second instalment of Tolkein's classic fantasy series. Jackson deserves essentially no praise for his work here, as Tolkein did all the work back in the 50s. At least Jackson is smart enough to ride on the laurels of a better man, instead of announcing his inferior IQ over a bullhorn like the other 99% of directors in Hollywood.

This movie will have too many effects, will take too many liberties over the book, will bore you to tears at points, and will probably be the best movie of the year. Go see it, but don't forget to pack a lunch and bring your bedpan.

Finally, after over a year of delays, Scorsese's asinine depiction of underdeveloped gang members in prehistoric New York pinches itself out of the ass of LaLaLand to come to a comfortable, steaming rest on big white screens around the world just in time for our saviours' birthday. Whoopty-fu*&in-do. DiCaprio has always been a bleeding scab to me, and seeing this pre-pubescent addict's pompous return to the big screen after his recent God-sent absence will only make me want to punch him in his vagina all the more. I mean, come on, casting DiCaprio in the role of a hood is akin to casting Tom Cruise in the role of Kareem Abdul Jabar. Every time I think of that punk, Leo, I am reminded of his stellar self-portrayal of Arnie in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?' The only worse than using this high-priced dipshit is his being paired with a bunt cake like Cameron Diaz, which only adds to my frustration. Daniel Day Lewis also wastes his time with this worthless period piece, playing some idiot called 'The Butcher'. DiCaprio has to fight him because he killed his father or some brilliant and unique plot tidbit like that, and Diaz probably gets in the way throughout.

Wait for this one to come out on video so that you can rent a copy and fire it over a cliff. I hear it's like 2 hours and 44 minutes long, too, so it should travel a good distance. Don't waste your time, unless you find sticking staple removers up your nose fun.