Gentle Reader -

I, Ernst Errol Bittermann, am through a combination of good luck and general unemployability in Canada, something of a travelling man. As the ads say, I am Canadian; citizen of a land where much is made of national identity and cultural expression, I have tried desperately to understand these matters in the countries that I have visited. Oddly, such things are almost always best understood by the unofficial national drinks (although, for some reason, the longer the pursuit, the less clear the insight).

To allow you to understand the nature of some diverse countries, while saving you the trouble of renewing a passport and expense of an air ticket (or the labour of giving sponge-baths to the other stowaways on a container ship), I have composed the following alcoholic travelogue. All you need do is make some trips to the liquor store, and you too can come across as a man of the world.

WARNING! Phileas Fogg took 80 days to circumnavigate this little globe of ours. Your liver will like you better if you take a similarly leisurely approach to the endeavour.

BELGIUM - This plucky little monarchy has endured since the middle ages as a highway of conquest (of course, it wasn't called Belgium until the 1830's and Poland disputes the title of "Highway of Conquest"). To take their minds off the troubles of the world, the Trappist monks of Belgium have made a tradition of brewing mind-altering beers.

For the full Belgian experience, you will need to spend some serious money - the wiley Trappists don't part with their beer readily. You need to go to a relatively up-scale hooch hut, to track down Chimay, Duvel, or one of the other pricey Belgian ales; a real find, and one I can't be sure is exported, is Gulden Draak. In a pinch, you can pretend that Canada's Maudite or Trois Pistoles are Belgian (they're very, very close).

To accompany the beer, cook up some sausages, a few Eggos, and cover the plate with whipped cream (the real stuff; edible oil products won't cut it, and after you've spent that much on the beer do you want to spoil things by cheaping out now?). These beers run about 8.5%, so you want to keep the consumption to a moderate level; the standard Belgian sitting is a half-litre, but if you're a big person, treat yourself to a whole litre. Balance drinking and eating; the effect you're looking for is pleasantly drunk, and too full to move. A close second is pleasantly full and too drunk to move.

Some Walloon Belgians may get upset that I'm dealing mainly with the Flemish end of the country. Do you think I'd enjoy the company of the French with a name like Bittermann?